The trailer for War Machine inspired me to do something I've never done before: I texted a half-dozen buddies to come watch the movie with me.
For action fans, sharing a TV with a spouse requires everyone to have a turn. I have seen every episode of Bridgerton, a Victorian romantic frock flick, because my wife digs it. I have endured three seasons of Victoria, and learned grudging respect for Downton Abbey. But these aren't my first pick for entertainment. My wife likes some action movies but if they get dumb enough, she skewers them mercilessly while I'm trying to enjoy them.
When I was a book designer, I typeset all kinds of books I thought were stupid. Of course you try not to reveal to your client that you think their project is unworthy. I had a tough time concealing my low opinion of a romance book I designed that read to me like Hardy Boys for Women. Thus, when a small publisher told me the book had just won awards, I burst out incredulously, "But it's such crap!" Oh wow did I embarass myself. But she just smiled and said, "Don't say 'crap.' Just say, 'It's not for me.'"
She had a great point. I make fun of frock flicks by throwing stones from my castle of glass, because I enjoy lots of stupid stuff, from comic books to John Wick movies. The criteria is not, "Is it stupid?" The criteria is, "Is it MY kind of stupid?"
War Machine was my kind of stupid. It guaranteed me at least one night of not watching Bridgerton.
It is basically an all-male cast, perfect for what I jokingly dubbed "Macho Movie Night" at my house. I set up a taco bar (some assembly required, but make the taco of your dreams), my friends brought beer, dip, desserts, and we settled in to watch Reacher vs. Robots.
Together, we watched the first act of War Machine in silence. Alan Ritchson plays a guy who grudgingly agrees with his brother that if they applied to Ranger School together, it might be awesome. In the first 10 minutes of the film, the brother dies, and now Our Hero must become a Ranger to honor his brother's memory.
LOTS of footage of tough workouts, people failing their candidacy, and Ritchson imitating Superman as he starts to lead the pack; yet due to his grief, he does not want to lead. He baffles his commanders, who see him breaking course records but can tell he has the emotional intelligence of a bag of hammers.
I would say "Spoiler Alert" next, except the trailer gave it away long before we turned the movie on. At the midpoint of the movie, during what is supposed to be the final test you must pass to become a Ranger, the movie simply switches genre. It has been a gritty military movie, but now it is: fight alien robots, soldier! Rangers lead the way!
During the first half of the film, two of my smartass friends tossed out occasional wise cracks to no laughs. As the giant mech entered, a third friend began adding his trenchant observations. By the third act, we were all enjoying the hell out of the movie AND cracking ourselves up making fun of it. But, you know, fondly.
War Machine is mostly predictable and over the top, yet in a way we all found entertaining. The pace is flawless, rarely slowing down for more than a sentence or two of character beats. I thought the mechs looked fabulous, especially with a cool laser effect that leaves the lasers swimming around on an object after it is scanned.
If the concept of Reacher vs. Robots doesn't turn you off from the jump, check it out. As a group we were all glad we'd seen the movie. The jokes did not stop afterwards, as my buddy cracked he couldn't wait to see War Machine 2: The Grab for Money. You can stream it on Netflix.
Was it stupid? Hell yes. But (and this is important!) it was Our Kind of Stupid. ##